Confessions and honesty

Yesterday was an eye-opener for me. 

(Let me just tell you now that I'm not going to write any details here and I'm sorry if I am making you curious.. (especially my sisters...) You can just pray for me anyway :) 

I don't know why, but I felt like I had to confess something to Luke. Something that I had been struggling with and something that I hadn't told anyone ever before. I felt like it was something that I had almost given the permission to keep me away from God - and this had been the case for years. People have confessed things to each other before, people have confessed things to me and I've seen that even when it's hard to admit to someone that you're struggling or - surprise surprise - that you're not perfect, the confessions have always always had positive consequences. Relationships get stronger, people get burdens off their chest, trust is built and walls are torn down. Yet, though I knew all that, I thought naaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I couldn't possibly... Let me deal with my own struggles on my own. I'll manage. I knew that was a lie - I had told myself the same thing for years and years and I knew it wasn't true. I couldn't overcome it on my own. But it was easier to keep my mask on and pretend that I didn't have any problems at all. 

But, for some reason, yesterday was the day when I decided that I need to stop lying to myself and to God and I need to come forward with my imperfections. And I have to say - it was the most difficult thing I have ever done. My legs were shaking, my hands were shaking, my heart was racing and my tummy felt hollow. But when I'd told him and when I was done answering all follow-up questions, I felt more loved than I'd ever felt before. By Luke and by God. The whole day was just great, the sun was shining (it wasn't actually) and the grass was green (it's not really) and the birds were singing (I couldn't actually hear any) and I felt so good. It wasn't a lie - confessing things actually is an amazing thing to do and so the point of my fairly vague blog entry is that if you have something on your chest that you feel like you can't tell anyone - tell someone anyway. Don't tell everyone, but don't think that just telling God is enough. I don't think it is. He already knows, but there is no replacement for just a person in your life who you can trust, who can hold you accountable, who can pray for you and with you and who can just be there for you - no judging, no gossiping, no nothing.