Identity

I think for the last few years I have been struggling with an identity crisis. Well, struggling is the wrong word and also crisis is the wrong word but you get the picture.

Who am I?

Like who am I in myself, who am I without the other people around me, who seem to define me at the moment?

Who am I if I am not

- Siku's sister
- Luke's wife
- Someone's colleague

.. that’s who I am in England.

Back in Estonia I used to be

- Indrek's daughter in churches
- Lauri's sister in the music college
- Lehari's assistant

Who is around who sees me for me, not someone who comes as a side order to a delicious main course?

Why do I care?

What do I want from life? Where do I think I will end up? Will I be happy there? I am content now because that is what I'm like when nothing in my life is wrong, nothing is bad... but surely there is meant to be more to it, more to me? Is there more? What is it? How do I get it?

What do I do?

Well, there is this promise.. He declares that He knows the plans He has for me, which are to prosper me and not to harm me and give me hope and a future. And He knows my name and He knows my deepest hopes and dreams, ones I don't even know yet.

So, I guess up and away I go, in this promise that everything will continue to be OK. There is a plan and I am walking in it, even if I don't know who I am, where I am or where I'm going.. easy peasy right?

God knows

Today I was reading the epistle to the Hebrews and it made me think about God, surprisingly enough. 

It made me think that God would never ask us to do anything he wasn't willing to do himself. He's asked some people to leave their families and all their belongings and go to a place far worse than their homelands. God did that, he came from heaven, which is amazing, to earth, which is rubbish (compared to heaven anyway). He's asked some people to leave their lives for him or other people. You know he's done that for us. He's asked us to obey our parents, be kind and generous, love one another - he set an amazing example for us in all of those things. 

One thing though that he's asked us to do and that he does himself is so awesome to me. We are asked to worship God and praise him. Maybe I sometimes think well what's that all about, why is he so desperate to get us to worship Him. But look at Hebrews 1. He's not being a big self centred looney, he's worshiping and giving honour and praise away too. Look at this (The Voice translation): 

"But about the Son he says, "Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever; a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your kingdom. You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness; therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy." He also says, "In the beginning, Lord, you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. They will perish, but you remain; they will wear out like a garment. You will roll them up like a robe; like a garment they will be changed. But you remain the same, and your years will never end." 

Every time I read this, it makes me smile a lot. It's God the Father, giving all the glory and honour to God the Son and it's just amazing to see and think about. I love it. 

What ever he's asked us to do, he knows exactly how hard it is or how easy it is - he's been there, done that AND he will be there with us in our situations. That's amazing.

How many lies?

This is a topic that I have previously already discussed with Jo and a few other people. 

It's about lies on Sundays. How many lies do I sing on a Sunday? Or any other day, for that matter, but Sundays are mostly the days when worship songs are sung and when we say things like Christ Is Enough.. which is something that I want to be true, but is it really? Am I like Job? I'm not. I want to be, but I'm not. I want it to be true that if everything, and I mean everything and everyone is taken from me and all I'm left with is my faith in an almighty God and His Son who died for me on the cross and the Holy Spirit who is given to me as the comforter.. will I be able to say it's enough? That this is all I could ever possibly need? 

Everything else is a bonus. Having Christ in my life should be enough and everything and everyone else I have in my life is a gift which I just have to be so grateful for... 

Confessions and honesty

Yesterday was an eye-opener for me. 

(Let me just tell you now that I'm not going to write any details here and I'm sorry if I am making you curious.. (especially my sisters...) You can just pray for me anyway :) 

I don't know why, but I felt like I had to confess something to Luke. Something that I had been struggling with and something that I hadn't told anyone ever before. I felt like it was something that I had almost given the permission to keep me away from God - and this had been the case for years. People have confessed things to each other before, people have confessed things to me and I've seen that even when it's hard to admit to someone that you're struggling or - surprise surprise - that you're not perfect, the confessions have always always had positive consequences. Relationships get stronger, people get burdens off their chest, trust is built and walls are torn down. Yet, though I knew all that, I thought naaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I couldn't possibly... Let me deal with my own struggles on my own. I'll manage. I knew that was a lie - I had told myself the same thing for years and years and I knew it wasn't true. I couldn't overcome it on my own. But it was easier to keep my mask on and pretend that I didn't have any problems at all. 

But, for some reason, yesterday was the day when I decided that I need to stop lying to myself and to God and I need to come forward with my imperfections. And I have to say - it was the most difficult thing I have ever done. My legs were shaking, my hands were shaking, my heart was racing and my tummy felt hollow. But when I'd told him and when I was done answering all follow-up questions, I felt more loved than I'd ever felt before. By Luke and by God. The whole day was just great, the sun was shining (it wasn't actually) and the grass was green (it's not really) and the birds were singing (I couldn't actually hear any) and I felt so good. It wasn't a lie - confessing things actually is an amazing thing to do and so the point of my fairly vague blog entry is that if you have something on your chest that you feel like you can't tell anyone - tell someone anyway. Don't tell everyone, but don't think that just telling God is enough. I don't think it is. He already knows, but there is no replacement for just a person in your life who you can trust, who can hold you accountable, who can pray for you and with you and who can just be there for you - no judging, no gossiping, no nothing. 

I'm sorry! I forgive you!

I think we have all heard that we are supposed to let go of our egos and say 'I'm sorry' when we've had an argument or a disagreement with a loved one. That it is more important to preserve the relationship than be right all the time. I think that's so important as well. Often when I've had an argument with someone I love (for example someone whose name starts with L), I feel like I'm not the one who should be apologising but I do it anyway because I'd rather get on with the day and keep being happy with him than wait for him to come and reconcile with me. 

But the other thing I've noticed about me, is that it's often difficult to say 'it's okay' or 'I forgive you' or 'apology accepted'. It's almost like how dare you apologise after you've done something to hurt me. It's almost like I want you to really feel bad before I can be generous enough to grace you with my forgiveness. I will nod with a forced smile that says 'you better be sorry'. I will roll my eyes which says 'yes you apologised but I will use this against you sarcastically in our next argument'... instead of saying, 'you know what, we all make mistakes, don't worry about it, let's forget about it (but don't do it again!!)'. 

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we all learned to apologise and forgive? Regardless of who's right? 

Trying hard to achieve that.

2014

My blog url refers to the fact that I should be thinking... it does say liisu thinks. And I guess I do think. I actually think a lot. But I've noticed that not too many of my thoughts are worth writing down and publishing to ... anyone.. not worth a read, not worth anyone's time, really. Sometimes I've written posts despite that. But I mainly keep my thoughts to myself. 

Well... It's 2014. I haven't made any new year's resolutions. I know I will fail if I do. But I also know that this year is going to be great, resolutions schmesolutions. I know that God has something wonderful in store and I need to see where He leads me. And when I need to go there, where ever it is. I have my ideas and all that, but who's to say they are what He wants of me or for me. 

Here's a great 2014 challenge for you - pray for me! Sounds great, yep, thanks. 

With love,

Liisu

Love

Love your neighbour.
Love your friends.
Love your enemies.
Love your colleagues.
Love your siblings.
Love your parents.
Love your kids.
Love the homeless (wo)man.
Love the business (wo)man.
Love the student.
Love the teacher.
Love your husband.
Love your wife.
Love the shop assistant.
Love the ones that are easy to love.
Love the ones that make it difficult.
Love the ones that love you.
Love the ones that loathe you.
How?
I don't know.
Ask Jesus.
Love Jesus.