Confessions and honesty

Yesterday was an eye-opener for me. 

(Let me just tell you now that I'm not going to write any details here and I'm sorry if I am making you curious.. (especially my sisters...) You can just pray for me anyway :) 

I don't know why, but I felt like I had to confess something to Luke. Something that I had been struggling with and something that I hadn't told anyone ever before. I felt like it was something that I had almost given the permission to keep me away from God - and this had been the case for years. People have confessed things to each other before, people have confessed things to me and I've seen that even when it's hard to admit to someone that you're struggling or - surprise surprise - that you're not perfect, the confessions have always always had positive consequences. Relationships get stronger, people get burdens off their chest, trust is built and walls are torn down. Yet, though I knew all that, I thought naaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I couldn't possibly... Let me deal with my own struggles on my own. I'll manage. I knew that was a lie - I had told myself the same thing for years and years and I knew it wasn't true. I couldn't overcome it on my own. But it was easier to keep my mask on and pretend that I didn't have any problems at all. 

But, for some reason, yesterday was the day when I decided that I need to stop lying to myself and to God and I need to come forward with my imperfections. And I have to say - it was the most difficult thing I have ever done. My legs were shaking, my hands were shaking, my heart was racing and my tummy felt hollow. But when I'd told him and when I was done answering all follow-up questions, I felt more loved than I'd ever felt before. By Luke and by God. The whole day was just great, the sun was shining (it wasn't actually) and the grass was green (it's not really) and the birds were singing (I couldn't actually hear any) and I felt so good. It wasn't a lie - confessing things actually is an amazing thing to do and so the point of my fairly vague blog entry is that if you have something on your chest that you feel like you can't tell anyone - tell someone anyway. Don't tell everyone, but don't think that just telling God is enough. I don't think it is. He already knows, but there is no replacement for just a person in your life who you can trust, who can hold you accountable, who can pray for you and with you and who can just be there for you - no judging, no gossiping, no nothing. 

I'm sorry! I forgive you!

I think we have all heard that we are supposed to let go of our egos and say 'I'm sorry' when we've had an argument or a disagreement with a loved one. That it is more important to preserve the relationship than be right all the time. I think that's so important as well. Often when I've had an argument with someone I love (for example someone whose name starts with L), I feel like I'm not the one who should be apologising but I do it anyway because I'd rather get on with the day and keep being happy with him than wait for him to come and reconcile with me. 

But the other thing I've noticed about me, is that it's often difficult to say 'it's okay' or 'I forgive you' or 'apology accepted'. It's almost like how dare you apologise after you've done something to hurt me. It's almost like I want you to really feel bad before I can be generous enough to grace you with my forgiveness. I will nod with a forced smile that says 'you better be sorry'. I will roll my eyes which says 'yes you apologised but I will use this against you sarcastically in our next argument'... instead of saying, 'you know what, we all make mistakes, don't worry about it, let's forget about it (but don't do it again!!)'. 

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we all learned to apologise and forgive? Regardless of who's right? 

Trying hard to achieve that.

2014

My blog url refers to the fact that I should be thinking... it does say liisu thinks. And I guess I do think. I actually think a lot. But I've noticed that not too many of my thoughts are worth writing down and publishing to ... anyone.. not worth a read, not worth anyone's time, really. Sometimes I've written posts despite that. But I mainly keep my thoughts to myself. 

Well... It's 2014. I haven't made any new year's resolutions. I know I will fail if I do. But I also know that this year is going to be great, resolutions schmesolutions. I know that God has something wonderful in store and I need to see where He leads me. And when I need to go there, where ever it is. I have my ideas and all that, but who's to say they are what He wants of me or for me. 

Here's a great 2014 challenge for you - pray for me! Sounds great, yep, thanks. 

With love,

Liisu

Love

Love your neighbour.
Love your friends.
Love your enemies.
Love your colleagues.
Love your siblings.
Love your parents.
Love your kids.
Love the homeless (wo)man.
Love the business (wo)man.
Love the student.
Love the teacher.
Love your husband.
Love your wife.
Love the shop assistant.
Love the ones that are easy to love.
Love the ones that make it difficult.
Love the ones that love you.
Love the ones that loathe you.
How?
I don't know.
Ask Jesus.
Love Jesus.

Little Emotional

So, I think I need to find a psychologist of some sort - I am such an emo, it's really unbelievable. I'm not emo in the sense that I would cut myself or only wear black or what ever it is that their stereotype tells us about them. What I mean is that it takes literally almost nothing to get tears in my eyes - like watching X-Factor - someone got voted off and I didn't even see her crying, she was just hugging her dad and I was almost crying. I was watching What Not To Wear and there was this emotionless girl who finally sort of showed some emotion and I was almost crying. I heard a beautiful song by Mariah Carey and I almost cried. 

Like.. what the heck. Where is this coming from. What is happening. How come I can't say nothing makes me cry anymore. I don't understand. What do I do? :D Help!? 

New Lesson

I think I'm learning how to be a friend right now.

When I hear that my friend has a problem or is not happy or just is going through a difficult time, my first thought is - how can I fix it. And then I try and try and try to fix it - fix them... to the point where they don't feel like they can come to me just for a chat because I will start trying to fix them, immediately, giving advice they haven't asked for, telling them things they're tired of hearing... when all they need is just someone who would spend time with them, like good old times. Like they aren't broken, like they're not just a project. The dumbest thing in all this is - I try to help and help and help (even though they haven't asked me to) and then I get frustrated because they're not taking my advice and they're not getting any better. Hah, what a silly goose.

So, the lesson I've just learned, is , I think, a really good one. I can show the love of Jesus without punching them in the face with a Bible. Yes it does indeed make sense.

Blown away

Sorry to everyone who now has a Carrie Underwood song stuck in their heads. The title has nothing to do with the song. The title has everything to do with my thoughts after reading the first chapter of the book of Job. Every time I read that book, I am absolutely blown away by this incredible man. 

He was a wealthy man, living a wonderful life and one day, suddenly out of the blue - 

1st messenger says: all of your 1000 oxen and donkeys are stolen and all but one servants killed. 

2nd messenger says: all of your 7000 sheep were burned alive along with all but one of the shepherds.

3rd messenger says: 3000 of your camels have been stolen, all but one servants killed. 

4th messenger says: all your kids and their buddies were in a house that collapsed, all but one - dead!

Now, if I found out that, say, my purse was stolen, or one of my friends was in an accident, or our flat burned down - even just one of those things - I would probably think, why God, why. 

Job's reaction?

"At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,and naked I will depart.The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;may the name of the Lord be praised.” In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." (Job 1:20-22) 

Blown. Away.